Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sensational Glorification of Self

I've been in a lonely state of mind of late. There has not been a great lack of friends (though much less than pre-Mississippi) and I have enjoyed my time with Husband, who is a friend and a great comfort to me. My trouble is, well, it's me.
I've been feeling the depth of my humanity and frailty, and have been caught up in the despair of knowing that I will always struggle, in one way or another, until I kick the bucket.
Romans 7:14, 15
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

I feel exactly this way. I struggle with my own lack of discipline, concerning things that are of true importance (lke my relationship with Christ), and not meaningless activities. For with meaningless activities, I have great discipline. I obsess over the food I put in my mouth, the size of the skirt I put on my body, the goals that I obtain concerning running, to these things I am dedicated. No fiction that I desire to read goes unread and no blog goes unchecked for some new tidbit. My e-mail is checked constantly and my children are well-dressed with name brands that glorify me as their mother. LAAAA! Look at me! I am to be envied and desired by all! AUGH! Why am I this way? Why must I constantly fight (or give in) to this flesh? And, the thing is, it's not horrible to want to eat well, it's good for my body to be well-maintained by exercise and proper eating. I ENJOY these activites, as well as, reading and blogging. My children are never underfed (have you met Felix?) or underdressed; I care for their needs as their mother. I have no balance. If I were to swing in the opposite direction with my food, then I would be gluttonous; if I were to stop exercising, then I would feel lousy and have no energy. Must I worship these things? Must I create these mundane activities for idols? I make my own rules to live by and guard them with my life. I do not require that you keep them, but I fight judging you when you don't. Even if you don't know my rules. I love the law, but know the law convicts me because I cannot keep it. Even though these are MY MADE-UP RULES. I will fail against them as well. I cannot keep straight, I will constantly fail. And do, everyday.

Aside from Christ, there is no good in me. It's interesting that I desire praise and glory, because they are so temporary and have no lasting importance. Even to me. They are forgotten 10 minutes after they are spoken because I am seeking NEW praise and adoration for the glorification of myself. Sigh.
Romans 7: 24, 25
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

My only comfort is that I am covered by Christ. He knows me and knows my altars to sin. Romans 8:1,2
8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. [1] 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you [2] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do

Today I'm disgusted by my own inadequecies.
Nothing unifies like a common enemy
And we've got one, sure as hell.
He may be living in your house.
He may be raising up your kids.
He may be sleeping with your wife.
Well, he may not look like you think.
Derek Webb
A King and a Kingdom
My own worst enemy is me.


Phamilyof6 said...

Okay -so we should like talk on the phone or something. Less than an hour ago I pretty much wrote a blog saying the same thing, but in different words. I am exactly where you are! We have it all together (or so it seems) but yet our desire is for ourself and not for God. Satan is so deceptive, isn't he. I will be praying that you can lay it all down (as I am trying to also) and just rest in Him. Don't meet a goal, don't check a blog, let the dishes pile up...but enjoy your family and rest in God's love for you. Let's let His light shine instead of ours.

In the journey with you, girl!


Phamilyof6 said...

Hi Kim!
I didn't get your message. Tell me, tell me!


michelle said...

"Nothing unifies like a common enemy. And we've got one, sure as hell." I love that. I have been reading those same verses in Romans over and over the past couple months. I am more excited than ever for the day we can be with God and He finishes making everything right. Death where is your sting?

and I think you are lovely btw.

Crissy said...

I have no words to adequately express my deepest empathy with you right now. My brokeness seems too much to bear sometimes. But it is then that the gospel actually means something more than just words to me. Press on. Don't be discouraged.

Kerri Wardlaw said...

I'm still thinking of those bananas and the fact that I've eaten your banana bread (very GOOD by the way)! Enjoyed this post...struggle with this DAILY!!! Love you.

Missy said...

As your only friend that does not struggle with self, I cannot relate to this post. But I can say that I think your awesome!

Melissa said...

you and me both babe, you and me both.

Rachel said...

at least we're all in the same boat, right?

cling to the Lord. He who began a good work in you will carry it out into completion. its just a fact.

i love you and i'm praying for you.