I've been feeling the depth of my humanity and frailty, and have been caught up in the despair of knowing that I will always struggle, in one way or another, until I kick the bucket.
Romans 7:14, 15
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
I feel exactly this way. I struggle with my own lack of discipline, concerning things that are of true importance (lke my relationship with Christ), and not meaningless activities. For with meaningless activities, I have great discipline. I obsess over the food I put in my mouth, the size of the skirt I put on my body, the goals that I obtain concerning running, to these things I am dedicated. No fiction that I desire to read goes unread and no blog goes unchecked for some new tidbit. My e-mail is checked constantly and my children are well-dressed with name brands that glorify me as their mother. LAAAA! Look at me! I am to be envied and desired by all! AUGH! Why am I this way? Why must I constantly fight (or give in) to this flesh? And, the thing is, it's not horrible to want to eat well, it's good for my body to be well-maintained by exercise and proper eating. I ENJOY these activites, as well as, reading and blogging. My children are never underfed (have you met Felix?) or underdressed; I care for their needs as their mother. I have no balance. If I were to swing in the opposite direction with my food, then I would be gluttonous; if I were to stop exercising, then I would feel lousy and have no energy. Must I worship these things? Must I create these mundane activities for idols? I make my own rules to live by and guard them with my life. I do not require that you keep them, but I fight judging you when you don't. Even if you don't know my rules. I love the law, but know the law convicts me because I cannot keep it. Even though these are MY MADE-UP RULES. I will fail against them as well. I cannot keep straight, I will constantly fail. And do, everyday.
Aside from Christ, there is no good in me. It's interesting that I desire praise and glory, because they are so temporary and have no lasting importance. Even to me. They are forgotten 10 minutes after they are spoken because I am seeking NEW praise and adoration for the glorification of myself. Sigh.
Romans 7: 24, 25
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
My only comfort is that I am covered by Christ. He knows me and knows my altars to sin. Romans 8:1,2
8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you  free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.
Today I'm disgusted by my own inadequecies.
Nothing unifies like a common enemyDerek Webb
And we've got one, sure as hell.
He may be living in your house.
He may be raising up your kids.
He may be sleeping with your wife.
Well, he may not look like you think.
A King and a Kingdom
My own worst enemy is me.