Monday, August 03, 2009

Air Quotes and Being "Healthy"

I read a chapter this morning in my "free" pregnancy book from the doctor's office. I put "free" in air quotes because (1) I like air quotes and (2) because it's not free, perhaps I should say the book is "included" in the large deductable I will be paying to my insurance company. Alas, it's better than no insurance at all, so I will be satisfied with my "free" (can't help it) book.

Anyhoo, the chapter caught my eye because it was called "staying healthy while pregnant". "Healthy" (in my warped little brain) means "skinny", so I gave it a read. It's interesting, with this being my fourth baby, that I get MORE obsessed with not gaining too much weight while I'm pregnant instead of becoming more "oh well, I gain weight when I'm pregnant". I get very irritated when I read articles about staying "healthy" (see above air quotes on my definition of healthy) when I'm pregnant, because I don't gain 25 to 30 pounds when I'm pregnant; it's more like 40 to 45. This, in part, is due to the fact that I am hungry every two hours (not unlike a newborn baby) and must have something substantial to eat (three strawberries are not going to cut it). And when I say "hungry", I ain't (using bad grammar for emphasis) just whistling Dixie. "Hungry" means "I must eat now or I will puke". I know this from plenty of experience. Sigh... So I make my delicious, neurotic cheese toast snack (one slice of bread with two pieces of turkey, two slices of provolone cheese and a healthy sprinkling of Lowry's garlic salt with parsley placed under the broiler for approximately four minutes) at least twice a day and kick myself for not eating an apple, even though I know an apple ain't (see above parenthesis for using bad grammar) gonna cut it.

I am neurotically (I mean "healthily") exercising and trying to drink a lot of water, but my weight is steadily creeping up because I absolutely cannot stay at the recommended "2100 calories a day is all a pregnant woman needs". So I scream at the book "EXCEPT FOR WOMEN WHO THROW UP WHEN THEY'RE HUNGRY!". Of course, the book (which does not have ears) cannot hear me, but my husband can, who thinks I'm crazy when I'm pregnant anyway. Which is only a little bit true.

And so I press on...