Tuesday, January 15, 2008

insecurities

Feeling down these days...

I feel like I'm having trouble pulling myself together.

I don't enjoy winter. The cold weather gets to me. It is beautiful outside today, though.

I feel like I'm not a good teacher to my kids.

Not feeling original. Even though I get a bug in my brain to do something creative, everything else falls to the wayside and I'm neglectful of other responsibilities.

Feeling guilty about stuff. Namely, not being a good teacher to my kids. Are they even learning anything?

I wish I were more organized.

I need to drink some water.

I need to get social security numbers reissued for the my two youngest (see "I wish I were more organized" for explanation). I love spending hours in government buildings. That should be fun.

I'm not very patient.

Having trouble with my identity. I know my identity is not in the things I do, but I still feel prideful about the things I do and I'm having trouble letting go.

I feel like I'm failing with homeschooling. I know it's not right for everybody. I can't tell if I'm depressed or just feel like a miserable failure.

I wish I didn't cry about stupid stuff everyday. Like crying over my last sentence; just typing it made me well up. My pride and people's reactions to me give me anxiety over changing their education.

I always feel like I'm pregnant in the winter because I cry about everything all the time. I'm not pregnant, by the way.

Why do I scream at my kids? I forget the gospel when I parent them...

I still haven't finished my lesson plans (eek!) and the next faculty meeting is coming up.

I wish I could do field trips everyday.

I'm pretty frustrated being in my own skin. I need a break from my own flesh.

I'm ready for spring...

16 comments:

michelle said...

Kim, I am saying a little prayer for you right now. We are all broken. I know those feelings too well. I feel like a miserable failure at everything I do. I love your openess.

...and I do wish we worked together. That would be the most fun ever. Maybe we should look into opening some kind of buisness. jk

But seriously, I am praying for you. :) love you.

Paige M said...

I'm sorry you are feeling down. I am far too familiar with all of these feelings. Why do we obsess over things when we know that God is soverign??? Well.......I'm not gonna be a good person to talk to right now, because I can only bring you down. I'm blaming everything on stupid hormones!!! I still love you and hope you feel better today.

Brenda said...

Just this morning I told dad - I want to see Kim - I need to see Kim. I understand...

love you sooooo much - mom

Melissa said...

Kim, sweetheart, I love you! I wish I could give you a hug, you sound like you need one. I know these feelings too. I am with Paige, hormones are the devil! We are all here to give you some love. I will lift you up today.

Crissy said...

Pick up the phone... it's me.

heather said...

Sounds like the endless thoughts that circle endlessly through my head. So I have no wise nuggets just keep on trusting in what is best for you and yours.

Woodman said...

Kimmy! You are way too hard on yourself...you are one of the coolest people I know! :) And you have an AWESOME new look on your blog! You make me want to sit and spend hours making over mine!! I need internet at home...I'm too cheap though....

Love you!

Graced said...

Man, I have written that list so many times! God gives grace to us all!

Missy said...

Yep... I could just copy and paste this post right into my own blog. Would you mind? I really don't have the mental energy to rewrite what you said when you were in my brain.

We need to go to on a BEP WC adventure!

JBL said...

Funny. I had the exact same conversation with Michelle this morning (well not exact same, what with the homeschooling and all). But about the insecurities and not knowing my place and all that jazz. Not easy times. I wish I could say something really cheerful, but we're rowing the same boat right now. Let me know if we hit shore!

JBL said...

Ok. I said cheerful, but that's not what's needed. Here's the truth. You're broken, filthy, beaten down and no good. These feelings of failure and insecurity are the result of sin manifesting itself in your flesh. Instructions:
Step 1: Understand how and why that sin manifests itself in this way.
Step 2: Using the gifts God has given you, namely the grace of Christ and the power of the Spirit, beat, kick and pound that sin into submission.
Step 3: Replace it with the glorious, life-giving gospel.
Step 4: Repeat daily until that sin is dead.
Step 5: Convince me to do the same.

Kim said...

Thanks O'Jay.

Abbey said...

Kim, you're a beautiful person. Just remember, when God looks at you, He sees His incredible Son inside of you. He just doesn't see what we see.
God will lift up your head... especially if you go listen to that song really LOUDLY right now, and listen to the words. It's jars of Clay. LOVE YOU.

The Heltons said...

What can I say that hasn't already been said? Shall I pray that God enhances your ability to teach the boys education? Maybe I should say it'll all be alright and to keep your chin up. I could even tell you that you're too stubborn for your own good but that probably wouldn't make you smile...could even make you continue to cry.

What I'll say is, "I love you, cousin-in-law." Let's work through this life together, being failures, being achievers, being God's little ones.

The Heltons said...

"My pride and people's reactions to me give me anxiety over changing their education."

I find it so sad when other people are very firm in their opinion of there only being ONE "right way" to educate your children.

I've made a decision to chose an education that Justin and I feel is the best for our child and our family. Unfortunately, there will be people we know who we will just have to politely ignore their reactions, and remind ourselves we are doing the best thing for our family.

In choosing your child's education it's so important to embrace your strengths and weaknesses and your children's strengths and weaknesses. And to realize if you can work with those together or if it's best if another teacher assisted with them their strengths and weaknesses.

March forward, don't let others distract you and pull you down!!!!

Love you,
Cari

Laura Leigh said...

"I feel like I'm not a good teacher." -- And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. ' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Not feeling original." -- For thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are They works, And my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139: 13-14

"Feeling guilty about stuff." -- There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

"I still haven't finished my lesson plans." Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3

"Having trouble with my identity." But when the fulness of time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as [daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying ," Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God.

Oh, Kim, I love you, and "... I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man; so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fulness of God. Amen.