Saturday, November 08, 2008

How To Gain Five (or more) Pounds (an Instructional Post)

Disclaimer: You have to be an emotional eater. If you are not, then I do not know how to identify with that and this post is not for you.

First, you must be diagnosed with walking pneumonia or some other disabling, but not life altering, illness. This will disrupt attempts to exercise because of hacking fits that make you sound like you've chain-smoked since you were twelve. People looking at you with sympathy and disgust is a bonus.

Secondly, you must enjoy eating (with gusto even). And you must also have made the previous allowance on yourself that you could eat more than what was good for you because you were running 18 miles a week. So, when you cannot run (because of chain-smoking hack), you are used to the calorie intake and still continue eating the mass amounts you are used to.

Thirdly, you must make/have plenty of sweets. Sweets include white chocolate macadamia nut cookies that are from the cookie dough fundraiser at Corin's school (warm from the oven helps), peanut butter popcorn (for which I cannot be held responsible for the amounts I have eaten because it is so addictive), Trick or Treat candy that sits in a bowl on the kitchen counter calling my name (how can I deny a Hershey bar that's calling my name? It's so lonesome), and of course, cake. Any cake will do. Even cake that you don't really like, but it's sweet and you need something sweet, so it will satisfy the sugar addiction. Additional helpful tip: work in an environment of emotional eaters who like to bring in "snacks". If you are not a sweets kind of person (which I cannot identify with), salty things like chips or beef jerky (?) might help with your goal.

Fourthly, guilt is essential for both emotional eating and lack of exercise. Put both of them together and you've got prime ingredients for an unhealthy weight gain.

Fifthly, do not keep a scale. I do not keep a scale because it has been reported to me that I have an unhealthy obsession with the numbers the scale reads. I do not necessarily agree with this diagnosis (AUUUUUGH!!! I HATE NOT KNOWING HOW MUCH I WEIGH!), but I suppress the urge to buy a scale to keep peace.

Sixthly, you must continually try on clothes that fit too big or perfectly two weeks ago, but are a little snug around the waist now over and over again to climax the rising feeling of panic. And then make a cake so you can lick the batter in the bowl to make you feel better. This must be done at least twice a day for best results.

And, lastly, you must get a cold on top of the recovering hacking cough to help you solidify the helpless feeling that you will never be able to exercise again.
And go make some cookies to help you feel better.

1 comment:

-C said...

I don't comment often, but you never cease to make me smile with your funny posts. I'm telling you ... a piece of fruit and a glass of water every 4 hours will curb your sugar cravings. Seriously. Move that candy bowl out of sight, and put the fruit bowl front and center.
Btw, how long are you guys going to be in MS?