Saturday, August 23, 2008

What if?

What if my dirty laundry started to walk and talk to me and said, "Don't worry, we'll clean ourselves!" And then started singing, "whistle while you work."

What if the crumbs on my living and dining room carpet (who the heck puts carpet in the dining room on purpose?) gathered together and made themselves an enormous, giant crumb and started coming at me like a monster from Scooby Doo? "maaawwwwww...," that's what the monster would say.

What if, suddenly, I had no electricity again? Ever.

What if I never learn how to made headcheese? Why am I obsessed with headcheese?

What if I cut my hair in my sleep? Like the guys from the Flock of Seagulls.
(shiver)

What if I could never pluck or shave again? Well, actually, I know the answer to that. I would look like a man in two months. With a unibrow. I work hard to not look like a man.

What if I stopped plucking and shaving and THEN woke up a haircut like the guys from Flock of Seagulls? (double shiver)

What if I looked in my closet one morning and all I had were polyester pant suits and platform shoes from the 70's? And then, when my closet opened, a disco light started to turn and the BeeGee's started to sing from some hidden speaker in the wall? And then, the only way I could walk for the rest of my life was a bouncy, disco walk with a rotating disco ball above my head. Of course, the dream (in my mind) would be that I would be doing this and other people (various ones) would join me from behind and then we would do this fabulous choreographed dance that we already knew and everybody would turn and watch and then applaud when we were done. I love choreography. Sigh.

What if my cat told me one day, "you know", (of course, this is in a snooty cat voice) "I don't really like going pooh in a box. I'd like to use the toilet. I promise I'll never drag my butt on the carpet again." Man, I'd love that.

What if the only way I liked to run in my neighborhood (at 5am) was to scream at the top of my lungs and swing my arms about? I wonder if that would garner attention?

What if my husband grew elf ears? And a tail? That would be crazy. Because the other stuff isn't.

What if I actually listened to my inner voice tell me, "Don't wear your freakin' heels to work! They hurt your feet by 3pm! You work with 5 and 6 year olds, for crying out loud!"

What if I woke up in a cartoon and I was the unfortunate character that had pianos and anvils dropping on my head? Oh wait. That already happens.

9 comments:

Rachel said...

::sigh:: what if...

laytonfamily said...

what if "BeeGee's started to sing from some hidden speaker in the wall"? HIDDEN SPEAKER - you're going to all this trouble for a hidden speaker, you mean - they wouldn't be IN your closet playing the songs for you IN person?! What a let down!

Sweetie - you are so MORE THAN A WOMAN!

Melissa said...

thanks for the funny blog. i love rainy day blogs, people stay indoors and hover over their computer writing witty things for me to enjoy. ha ha ha, it is all about me! me!!!!! ME!!!!!

i think i should step away from my house for a min or two.

and my dining room is carpeted, on purpose, from the stupid builders, and i asked the same question you did.

Paige M said...

These are the thoughts of a completly sober person...."what if" you ever took drugs, THAT would be really scary.

Missy said...

Am I in your coreographed song?
Please please!

And for the love, stop wearing heals to work!!!!

care-in said...

You do think too much but they are funny thoughts.

I predict you will give up on heals soon...so not worth it!

heather said...

I love the Bee Gees and I would so be your back up dancer. You need to see my mother-in-laws feet she worked for years where women were forced to ware heels forced I tell you. Hammer toe ain't pretty.

Jennifer said...

i love this. you remind me so much of a friend of mine here and she knows about you now. :-) she totally gets you too! thanks for letting us 'hear' your thoughts!

michelle said...

HA! Do you remember playing "what if" in college. I kept a journal. I would love to find it and reread some of those. Your comment made me so happy btw. I too wish we could just stare at the clouds and pretend all day. It would be so nice if we took a holiday...took some time to celebrate...just one day out of life...oh yeah, alright.