Things to Remember if You're Me

When jogging in the morning, stop by yard sales while you're sweating and breathing heavily and don't bring money. Then, when they are annoyed that you like stuff and know that you don't have money, ask them if they'll hold it for you for a 1/2 hour or so. THEN, when you get home, don't shower or anything, just grab the $10 on the counter and head back out with your three-year old to the afore-mentioned yard sale. Let him wander around yard, knocking down stuff periodically, while you peruse lovely yard sale. He's cute, they'll get over it. He didn't break anything. Get the very cute, nearly new New Balances for a few bucks in three-year old's size and a couple of shirts that he doesn't need (including a brand new glow-in-the-dark skeleton shirt-cool). Of course, get more stuff than you have money for and see if they'll take your deal. Then promptly put new shoes on your three-year old because HE REALLY WANTS YOU TO, and then drive home. Don't shower when you get home, but instead, hurriedly try to clean your house before lovely mother-in-law comes over (I'm still in the denial stage of wanting my mother-in-law to think I'm clean-HA- I've only been married to her son for nine years, I'm sure she hasn't guessed yet that I only clean when people are coming over). Allow three-year old to come in and follow you around the house while dusting (also- be sure to leave windows open AFTER dusting so that when husband uses blower to blow the driveway-all the residue comes back in the house and settles on all the dusted furniture) and windexing and keep sniffing the air, trying to figure out where the poop smell is coming from. Let 10 minutes pass (traipsing through house with three-year old following) and STILL wonder where the poop smell is coming from. Turn on the lightbulb that suddenly appears over your head and look on the bottom of three-year old's new shoes. Discover dog pooh. Curse silently. Remember all the areas that you traipsed through and spray carpet cleaner on all areas, cursing that you have carpet. Take nasty shoes outside to spray off and get yourself soaked in the process. Lay shoes out to dry, making a mental note to throw them in the washer, while three-year old is UNHAPPY that his new shoes are wet. Sorry buddy, I didn't traipse through dog pooh. Do not shower before in-laws come to take the boys on a trip to the museum, but stand in the laundry-covered kitchen floor, with stinky sweatiness and greasy hair, talking to lovely mother-in-law (who really is lovely and doesn't mention my nastiness). Watch children leave and go get ready for date with your husband. Ah...

Thank you, Grandmother and Grandaddy for our time out this morning. We needed it.