Saturday, January 03, 2009

Resolving to be a Resolver

It's misty, humid, and gray outside. Supposed to rain all day. Matches my mood. The house is a total wreck, my Christmas decorations are up still, and I have three packed suitcases that need to be unpacked. I'm dizzy (though I feel there is improvement in this area-finally) and unmotivated. I haven't exercised in a week (because of dizziness, throwing up, and the like) and it sends my wee neurotic brain into overdrive.

And I'm reading all over about New Year's Resolutions.

There is something about them that appeals to me. Starting fresh, making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice (wait a sec- sidetracked). So that appeals to me, until I think about when I fail (which I inevitably will, because I'm a human being TA-DAH) and then I'm not interested in making the list at all. I hate looking at a list I've not completed. It reminds me that I'm a loser.

So if I were to make a list, it would be the total loser list of things I can accomplish in one day. Or something I already have accomplished, like "quit smoking". Well, I don't smoke so I can check it off. Or "be neurotic about laundry". Well, looky here, I AM neurotic about the laundry. Check. Or "lose 10 more pounds". See, that one just annoys me because I've been on a diet (ish) forever (like since I was a preteen) and it's never really accomplished because I'm never (ever) satisfied with my weight. Even if I did lose ten more pounds, then I would wonder how difficult it would be to lose five more. Grrrr.

It's interesting that I do accomplish things. I can run four to six miles at a time. I've been able to stabilize my weight for approximately four and a half years (not including pregnancy). I've become more organized (no, really) out of necessity and I'm not a complete slob (unless I'm sick - like now). I love to take pictures, and I see marked improvement in that area. I've become more confident in teaching about music and I try a lot of different recipes that would've scared me to try five years ago. See, I'm counting up all of my righteous accomplishments. Aren't I good?

Life is messy. Life is unpredictable. And I can't make a list of resolutions that will fail. It reminds me of my own humanity. And, quite frankly, I don't want to be reminded. Reminding me of my own humanity makes me realize that I need Jesus. I can't do jack on my own. I like to do things on my own. It's fun. And rewarding. And makes me a tad bit arrogant in my own failing skin. And though it's accomplished, it's flanked with failure, because I'm HUMAN.

So maybe I do need to make a list. Purposely reminding me that I need Jesus. Why does my flesh fight Him? Why do I not want to remember that I'm human? Why do I want to be a superhero? I want to remember my own accomplishments, even though they are streaked with my own sin and failure.

Maybe I will make a list.


Amy said...

Girl, you read my mind! I think those same thoughts, but haven't ever come to some of those conclusions, so thank you for clarifying some things for me.
I hate the resolutions, because I do stop trying to check things off my list...depending on what it different phases, but never complete anything, because I am imperfect and He is working to complete me. (I am thinking "good luck!") But I "loath" myself when I do not exercise, I will avoid the things that remind me of my failures, retreat to my shell until God coaxes me out in His loving way into His accepting embrace. Man! I need Jesus!

michelle said...

me too :)

Missy said...

me three ;)

Anne Marie W. said...

me four....very well written, Kim. Thanks for sharing and I hope you are on the mend and up and about soon.

Paige M said...

Amen sista. Oh, I was supposed to say me five!

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

Yoo Hoo! I've given you an award. Come and see.