Happy With Myself?

Reflections of a Sinner written on 12/27

I've got my hair like I like it. My house is clean (for me anyhow). We're expecting company for lunch. I'm sitting on the couch listening to Sufjan Stevens (HIGHLY recommend) and am inconceivably satisfied with myself. I hear the children skating outside and smile to myself over my proud accomplishment of marrying a wonderful man and creating three beautiful children. I've been blessed by the Lord. And yet- I'm not still.

The fire burns. My insecurities rise up and quench my thoughts. I'm never satisfied. The perverbial ten pounds hangs over my head, even though I know it will not be enough when it's gone. I desire more money... although the same truth about the ten pounds exist also with money. And then the thoughts that I could never admit out loud stifle me so much that I gasp and put hands over my face in despair. Why do I SEEK sin? Romans 3 screams in my face: No one seeks God, not one.

No one reflects my sin more than my children. I discipline them and talk to them about their heart and see my own crap reflected in their eyes.

Why does He see me as beautiful? Why does He love me as His own? I do not understand the depth of my own sin and He loves me. How can it be?