We went to Birmingham this weekend for our church's 25th anniversary. It was lovely. I'm sad the weekend went by so fast.
There are a hundred things whirling about in my wee brain, but I shall not wax eloquent (ha) on them this morning (class starts in 20 minutes). Instead, I will give you, in question form, a tidbit (if you will) of my thoughts.
Seminary time is a strange time. We're living completely different lives than we used to. How will this reflect on our future? Will this play out in our ministry?
Am I really going to be a pastor's wife someday? The thought of that makes me tear up and want to throw my head in my hands and sob. I don't feel like I'm cut out for the job. And yet, it appears that it will happen. Husband will be a peach of pastors. And I shall be his liability.
Crow's feet is making me angry. My vanity is an absolute idol. How can I be a leader and yet have so many things that I worship other than God? Be honest. I cast it off as "obsessive compulsive" (eating, laundry, exercise, appearance, performance), but is it really that I'm building my own dissolving, crumbling, imperfect kingdom? There is such a fine line between being healthy and being obsessed. I never walk that line. I think about it and jump right into obsessiveness.
Where will we live when we go back to Birmingham?
Will I have another baby? Or two?
Am I really thinking about going back to school this summer? Because I sure am procrastinating on getting things started.
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel... What will she do? Who will she marry? Where will she live? She is our girl, though I never birthed her. I watch her with interest and fear.
My heart is full and there are tears behind my eyes. Life is unsure, though I'm pretty sure of my calling. Why did He choose me for this purpose? I am unworthy of the calling.