Monday, February 16, 2009

Reflections of a Human

We went to Birmingham this weekend for our church's 25th anniversary. It was lovely. I'm sad the weekend went by so fast.

There are a hundred things whirling about in my wee brain, but I shall not wax eloquent (ha) on them this morning (class starts in 20 minutes). Instead, I will give you, in question form, a tidbit (if you will) of my thoughts.

Seminary time is a strange time. We're living completely different lives than we used to. How will this reflect on our future? Will this play out in our ministry?

Am I really going to be a pastor's wife someday? The thought of that makes me tear up and want to throw my head in my hands and sob. I don't feel like I'm cut out for the job. And yet, it appears that it will happen. Husband will be a peach of pastors. And I shall be his liability.

Crow's feet is making me angry. My vanity is an absolute idol. How can I be a leader and yet have so many things that I worship other than God? Be honest. I cast it off as "obsessive compulsive" (eating, laundry, exercise, appearance, performance), but is it really that I'm building my own dissolving, crumbling, imperfect kingdom? There is such a fine line between being healthy and being obsessed. I never walk that line. I think about it and jump right into obsessiveness.

Where will we live when we go back to Birmingham?

Will I have another baby? Or two?

Am I really thinking about going back to school this summer? Because I sure am procrastinating on getting things started.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel... What will she do? Who will she marry? Where will she live? She is our girl, though I never birthed her. I watch her with interest and fear.

My heart is full and there are tears behind my eyes. Life is unsure, though I'm pretty sure of my calling. Why did He choose me for this purpose? I am unworthy of the calling.

9 comments:

Amy said...

He chose you because you are good for Quinn. Your role is to be a support for Quinn. You are first and foremost his wife...love him, take care of him and make home his haven, his refuge...because he will need that. After wife, you are a mother and you do a great job with that! Other than that...you will sometimes be needed to offer counsel or be a part of counseling when women are involved. You are an awesome hostess, and that always helps when you need to meet and talk with families.
You are not a pastor's wife to be judged on the Proverbs 31 woman. You share your struggles and then share the gospel...that's what its all about.

If you can have more babies, have more!!! I sure would!

Virginia said...

I can only say that I always feel the same way in whatever position I am in- I am unworthy of the calling. I feel so unworthy to be a mama of my little monkies and yet, that's where God has put me... just like that's where He puts you.

Seminary is a really weird time of life. It's hard to explain but it's a totally different life.

Remember that verse about God using the broken things of the world to glorify Himself? He doesn't use the perfect, lovely things... He uses the humble, broken things. I have to remember that- a LOT- because I like to try to make myself look perfect & lovely to everyone else... scrambling around to hide the broken parts of me. Praise Him that chose to use messed up ol' me!

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

Bloom where you are planted.
Do not be afraid.

want more?

you know where to look.

heather said...

You are fabulous and God's plan was for Quinn to be with you and vise versa. So trust in that and know that you have been the gospel to me since the first time I meet you. You showed me the gospel like no one else had up until that point. I think that you both will be so wonderful for the Kingdom. Praying for you my dear friend.

The Speece Family said...

Top ten reasons KIM will be an excellent pastor's wife:

10. She is honest.
9. She can play the piano and sing.
8. She is familiar with Martha Stewart AND Monty Python.
7. She makes people feel good by featuring them in her blog.
6. She creates award-winning bulletin boards.
5. She knows that a cheerful heart (and raw cookie dough) is good medicine.
4. She is an amazing hostess.
3. She selected three of the coolest names EVER for her sons.
2. She puts the "we" in HalloWEen.
1. She knows she can't do it by her own strength.

Can I get an "Amen"?

Paige M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paige M said...

Amen, "Speece Family"! You are "right on" as Quinn would say.

Anne Marie W. said...

Kim, I can't think of a better person to be a pastor's wife. You define pastor's wife. You will be great! You are so encouraging, it's just your nature. Even in your brokeness, because we are broken too. Chin up, girly. Praying for you!

michelle said...

I love you.