Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Happy with Myself?

not really... which is why I chose the title. It is an Over the Rhine song that is gorgeous (at this point I would love to actually play the song for you, it is on my itunes, but again....) and provokes thoughts on how I view my relationship to my Savior.

"I'm happy with myself
I'm happy with myself
and I don't have
what it takes
to please you

I've been trying
to write you a letter
I've been trying
for two or three years
maybe I
could just say it better
practice some
in front of a mirror
here
oh

I've been trying
to build you a heaven
crowns of thorns
in Mason Jars
angels that dance
on pins and needles
maybe I've tried
a little too hard
oh"

I get so frustrated being in my own selfish skin. Why am I allowed to be a mother? Why does He allow us to be so stricken by our own sin? The gospel rings true in my head, and is both a repetitive drum and a safe, beautiful melody that plays always. I can't hear it sometimes because of my own screaming insecurities. I am not happy with myself, but should I be? I feel like this great, big, awkward buffoon who talks to loud and says STUPID stuff (hello verbal diarrhea). Stop talking!

...though I'm usually pacifistic
you are mercifully sadistic
and I didn't know
that murder
could be good
but the roses came crimson
springing
from the prison
of the floorboards
where there once were stains
of blood... (OTR "within without")

4 comments:

Virginia said...

I can totally relate girl... I think we ALL struggle with those feelings.

(If not you and I are two strange birds.

Which we actually are. But that's not the reason. Hehe)

By the way, I tried to find this song so I could show you how to embed it, but it wasn't on the two sites that I usually use... but I will try to find it. I don't use itunes a ton so I'm not sure how to get it from there to here... but anyways... I will show you (and write up directions!) my deep Yoda Internet Secrets soon. :)

Oh and I love your new pic!

Virginia said...

Ok, try this:

go into your blog dashboard, and edit your post.

On the top right corner of your entry there will be two tabs: one that says compose and one that says edit html.

Click on edit html. This is going to include everything you've written, but also allow you to put in internet language (html) so you can embed some music.

Go to this address in another window:

http://tinyurl.com/yv5lbl

It's going to be the youtube video for this song. On the right it'll have some little things that say "tags" "url" and "embed."

Click in the "embed" line - it should highlight blue. Right click and select copy.

Go back into your blog post (open in another window) and right click whereever you want the video to be and select paste.

That should do it! Just save and publish! :)

Jessica said...

kim you just said (much more eloquently, i might add) exactly what i feel the majority of the time. thanks for being so honest. it's reallly encouraging.

my apologies for my total technological ignorance last night. turns out we are in the same boat. thanks for your patience with me!!!

jessica

p.s. this is my first step towards putting my blog-stalking tendencies behind me. :)

Kimberly said...

Oh, Virge.... Huh?